Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

Ok but actually

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

This made me smile…

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

So that’s what we looked like?

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?