I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
me as a parent
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.