My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
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Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election