I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..