I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
God has left this place
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday