I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated

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I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.


me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what


Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here


The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.


I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.


When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.


so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it


Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.


It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?