@michaelianblack

I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what

@JediGigi

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

@MamaFizzles

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

@daddydoubts

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

@trevso_electric

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

@netw3rk

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

@KizerBillhelm

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

@vineyille

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?