@michaelianblack

I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated

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@junejuly12

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

@tbhjuststop

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.

@itcorru

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

@JessiCanadian

Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*

@timdonakowski

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

@brunopieroni

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?