Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
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Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep