I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Lmao
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry