I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
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This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.