Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

Me recordaron éste meme

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”