I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.