Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once