Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

Whoa 😂

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words