Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

tell em, edith-anne

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.