Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?