I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it