I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
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I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural