I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
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The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Florida be like…
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend