I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
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Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.