Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

where the womens at?

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*