Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*