I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Straight people are cancelled
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food