I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.