I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow