Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

Already got one

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.