I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?