Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

fixed it

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”