Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes