I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“i miss shittin on people”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
How it started: How it’s going:
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If snakes were wide
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.