@Grommit56

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

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@jake_lach

She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that’s like telling a samurai not to use his sword

@aayushhiiiii

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

@frogbunnie

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

@ImaFlyontheWall

He looks at her,
she undresses him with her eyes
His clothes fall
Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..

@ilurngood

imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

@carlyken

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

@SteveToyne

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘No I’m Spartacus’

‘I am Spartacus’

‘I AM Spartacus’

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’