Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Just this preview of the story is enough

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

This is not me but this is me

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great