Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

Miscakes

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Monday Lisa

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

Yup

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.