Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

My new favorite headline

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

Sounds like a real hoot.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

All right then, keep your secrets

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys