i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
When I snag the last meatball.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
#SuperBowl
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
No, I don’t think I will.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.