Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

Pizza is an emotion right?

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.