I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Icarus loved hot wings.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
This guy’s not having it 😆
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
How can I say no to this ?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm