I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir