I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
rapatouille
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
This 4th of July, please remember…
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now