I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
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A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Do not steal food from the science building!
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?