Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Florida man

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.