I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I forgot how to panic. Help
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….