Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her