I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
October already? What’s next? November????
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Seas the day!!!!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert