I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Swedish for common sense.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is