I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10