I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
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I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.