I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
BRO LMFAO
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?