Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed