Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

do u think theres a butter planet?

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website