Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink