Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off