@ComedicBust

I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.

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@RxitWounds

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

@AdamOfEarth

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

@CAshmanActor

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

@AtticusFinch79

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

@gojarbe

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

@n0tblonde

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

@newLettuce

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No