ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.