[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
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Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
buys donuts instead
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you