*Sits straight up in bed*
*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.
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Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.