@ComedicBust

I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.

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@ArfMeasures

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

@AbbieEvansXO

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

@pinningnut

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

@jonnysun

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

@CarelWillemse

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

@BreadFoster

I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.

@iLikeCatShirts

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

@whalesmells

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

@LackOfShame

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

@KevinFarzad

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.