@ComedicBust

I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.

You Might Also Like

@trumpetcake

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

@kwirkyKerri

Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.

@ozzyunc

Society’s a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.

@Marlebean

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

@HairyJew4Life

Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?

Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?

@RocketRankoon

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

@MattTheBrand

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

@ilovepie84

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

@Schmoodles

You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.

@TheAlexNevil

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.