I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.
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Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.
Society’s a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?
Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.