I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.