I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
This has made my week.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
what’s more important?
🤯🤯🤯
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.