Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later