I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.