I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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