I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
mechanics be like
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.