I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Hard not to take this personally
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
How actors in movies eat their food
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.