I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
She was REALLY feeling it.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
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Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
so this horse walks into a bar
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.