Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.