I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
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Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Good point.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
There’s no “u” in narcissist
channeling her this year
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*