I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
How I’d get arrested…
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.