I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
You Might Also Like
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream