I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Good morning
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee