I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave