Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?