I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
they really wanted me dead for this
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Gods work.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.