Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

ㅤ

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much