Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

they really wanted me dead for this

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]