I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
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ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.