Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

.

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth