I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
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I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
A great tip. #CakeRex
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird