@QwertyJones3

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

You Might Also Like

@panmidwest

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

@Darlainky

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

@AverageCorners

My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.

@daemonic3

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

@HughGoesThere

Cop: We need to test you for marijuana.
Me: That’s kashmir purple kush.
Cop: Correct, you’re free to go.

@Just_BCS

You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.

@SuperApple80

Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.

@SF_incognito

You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name

Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present