I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

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GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?


I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!


My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.


They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?


OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.


Cop: We need to test you for marijuana.
Me: That’s kashmir purple kush.
Cop: Correct, you’re free to go.


You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.


Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.


You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name

Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present