I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
all that yoga finally paid off
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.