I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
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Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
What.
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[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.