I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Strange
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her