I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Most fashion shows these days…
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game